Anderson’s thoughts not only assets

by Ned Cantwell

Those of us who have fought long and hard to eliminate cockfighting in New Mexico saw our crusade take on an ample new profile with the addition of Pamela Anderson to our cause.

Har. Har. Har. Ample new profile. That will be the last cheap reference to the busty attributes of the Baywatch Babe who has joined my effort to stamp out this horrible, so-called sport.

Miss Anderson wrote a letter to Gov. Bill Richardson. She appears to have some good points. Pam wrote on behalf of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals and she issued a warning. She told the governor, be careful, the whole country is watching you.

Don’t you know that will stall the governor in his tracks? Telling Big Bill the country is watching him is like warning the fox, “watch out, here comes the hen!” It’s like telling the Boston Red Sox, “yikes, you have to play St. Louis again!”

Nonetheless, the entrance of Miss Anderson onto the cockfighting stage will advance the ball. First off, most people have totally ignored the issue. With the addition of this celebrity to the mix, more of us will keep abreast of what is going on (now, stop that!).

Up until now, Gov. Richardson has fielded questions about cockfighting by saying the issue was below his “radar.” Well, you can bet it is on his radar now.

And as I think about cockfighting and Pam Anderson, I get to fantasizing. (No! Not that kind of fantasizing!) I get to thinking, hey, what if Bill Richardson launched an Abolish Cockfighting Campaign and he appointed me its Czar? I mean, why not? I have been fighting the cause for years.

It seems to me the first thing I would do as Czar would be to call a meeting. I’d have Pamela there, of course. And my friend, Lisa Jennings; she’s the executive director of Animal Protection of New Mexico. And from the street would wander in a group calling itself, “Guys Who Like to Stare at Pam Anderson.”

“Alright, now, time to get this thing rolling,” I would tell the gathering. “Find a seat. Oh, no, Pam, you don’t need to sit on that folding chair, silly. Get comfy over here on the couch. Next to the Czar.”

“Seems to me,” I would tell them, “is we need to find ourselves a good slogan, something clever, but simple enough that even newspaper people will catch on.”
Someone speaks up from the back of the room. He points out that New Mexico is only one of two states that still allow cockfighting and it makes us look dumb. His suggestion: NEW MEXICO. COCKFIGHTING. DUH

“That’s too subtle,” someone else shouts. He shows a poster he has hand-lettered:

NO MORE FOWL PLAY!

Seeking inspiration, I turn my attention to Pam Anderson, sitting next to me. It is my first close look ever. Oh my gosh. I had not noticed before she has eyes. And they are lovely.

I tell the group our slogan should somehow reflect Pam’s involvement and the fact that she is turning over a new leaf, leaving the sex and drugs image in the past and concentrating on serious issues such as ours, plus her recent petition to the Queen to stop using bearskin helmets.

“OK, I got it,” someone offers, holding up his sign:

BOOBS FOR BIRDS!

Lisa Jennings shoots me a look, rather stern. The meeting adjourns, rather abruptly.

Ned Cantwell is a retired newspaperman. Contact him at:
ncantwell@charter.net