“THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE!” proclaims the optic yellow sticker stuck on the catalog. “If you haven’t just ordered, this is your last chance!”
I’ve seen these stickers before. The catalog company keeps promising to go away, but it’s not a promise they’ve kept yet. I expected a sticker that would say, “No kidding! This time really is your last chance! Really! We mean it this time! No foolin’! Order now, or we’ll only send you 72 more catalogs with stickers warning that this particular catalog is the last one we’ll ever send!”
Offhand, I can’t remember ever ordering anything from this catalog which, aside from offering older but now over-priced models of once-cutting edge merchandise, also offers fat-absorbing capsules, a multi-function four-watt fluorescent lantern with a built-in 2.2” color TV, a thermostatically controlled dog-watering bowl, a CD rack specially designed to look like a lizard crawling up your wall, and a chinning bar which attaches to your door frame and includes “inversion boots” so you can strap yourself upside down to the bar and do inverted sit-ups (if you don’t pass out first).
I found myself particularly interested in two items.
One is a “plug-in ionizer” which plugs into your vehicle’s cigarette lighter and uses negative ions to cleanse the air of “obnoxious perfumes” or more obnoxious noxious cigarette smoke. But, if you want to smoke, you’d better bring a match since this device presumably won’t allow its owner to begin cleansing the air at the very same time as he or she begins fouling it.
But my favorite widget from this catalog is one I’m really tempted to buy (and actually buying something would probably put me on their catalog list for all eternity). My favorite gizmo is the “Say Good-bye to Annoying Calls with the Touch of a Button” machine. When the phone sales-pitch person calls, you just punch the button and the patented Easy Hang Up technology takes over. A pre-recorded voice says, “I’m sorry. This number does not accept this type of call. Please regard this message as your notification to remove this number from your list. Thank you.” And it immediately hangs up. “Order one for each phone in your home.”
What a catalog! And I’ll betcha dollars to donuts it’s not the last one of its breed I see.
Want a really good offer for something we all really need? Read Romans 10:9-11. It’s a great offer that will never expire, well, until we do.
Curtis Shelburne is pastor of 16th & Ave. D. Church of Christ in Muleshoe. Contact him at